Fantastic Coons (and other Beasts) and Where To Find Them: A Hood Boy's Guide to a PWI

A few days ago, I graduated with my Bachelors in Communication. And while I feel that academically, my four years went well, I would have to say that socially, my experience was far from stellar. Being Black is always cool when going to college, if you're a middle-class student who is used to being around thousands of White faces. However, for those of us from the hood, where do we seek refuge? Where do we find solace? Where do we get to be ourselves. 

We are just low and working class people, whom come from nothing. We work full time jobs (sometimes two). We have sick parents to take care of, while we have no health care of our own. We have been homeless, but we have still given all of ourselves to others. We come off as the more aggressive because we actually communicate our emotions and feelings. We resent our professors and their "authority" because for years, we have been our own authority. We have raised ourselves, yet somehow we are still lost. We set the trends and status quo for what it means to be "Black," yet we are demonized for it while we get to watch Whites and assimilated skinfolk utilize what we have created. We have worked just as hard as anyone else to receive admission and scholarship, but somehow we're overlooked as "equal opportunity" admitted.

This excerpt is serving as a guide and cheat sheet on those you will encounter and experiences you may face when as a Black person from the hood. These are views from my own experience. This is in no way, shape or form designed to hinder people's view of self or for you to hold full truths to what I have said. 

1. White Students and 'Selective Acquaintance' Syndrome

Your shift into college will be hard. Regardless of what you think or believe. Yes, you have more time and less classes, but the work is more extensive and you have to utilize that newly found time into efficiently. You are going to need people to help you get through these courses of academia. Whether it's someone to copy homework from or someone to just remind you that there is a test the following week. And because you are in a class where the white to poc student ratio is very low, you will probably be placed around White students. They will usually attract themselves to you first because they have already seen how you participate and asked you occasionally what grade you received on the assignment you got an A on. You will form what seems to be a pretty good acquaintanceship. After sharing notes and ideas, you'll probably talk about weekends, jokes and recent pop culture. Everything seems good until you're walking with your friends and you enthusiastically say 'hello' to the the White kid whose been copying your notes and he/she appears to act like they don't see you. At first, you begin to think that it was just a casual mistake and then it happens once more, then twice more and then you finally realize you've been played. You will feel stupid, but never as stupid as your class mate will feel when stop communicating with them altogether.

2. King COONta

Every campus has their wide range of Black students. Hoteps, aesthetically pleasing photography gworls and the respectability politicin' ones. That of course means that you aren't exempt to the coons. Coons are Black students who are looking to assimilate to the White world in anyway possible and disguise it as "progressiveness." They let their White friends say 'nigga,' they think becoming student body president makes them the next Obama (who also isn't that iconic, but go off), and ultimately hates everything the hood Blacks stand for. They will essentially follow your every actions and smile in your face, then go report everything you've done and said to administration like Randall from Recess. DO NOT put your energy into these individuals. Act like you don't see them and keep it moving. It will anger them to know they have no power/authority over you.  

3. Administration

At this point, do you need a description? They are your average passive White liberals. They go around saying they love everything you do and what you stand for, but you should go about it in a different way. Why? Because White students feel offended and it is their job to make all the students feel 'comfortable' and 'safe.' They will do ANYTHING to avoid a PR scandal, even if that means rewriting code of conduct rules on the spot. You will be told by a student to 'go to a school for your own kind' and administration will say: 'well... we have to see the intent.' Here's my best advice for them: just grin and bare it. That's literally all you can do.

4. Hispanics and their anti-Blackness

Not to get into a geography lesson, but most Hispanics come from where? The island of Hispaniola, correct? They will swear on God that they are 'Spanish' (even though it's a language and Spain is located in Europe) and will even demonize other Hispanics who do not speak Spanish. If you tell them that they have Black origins and give receipts like how the Salsa is a variation of an original African dance, they will flip shit and shut down. They do not want to hear the possibility of having any Black origin, even if their skin is darker than yours, lips are fuller than yours, curves biggers than yours or hair kinkier than yours. They isolate experiences and even though they're as fucking loud as Azealia Banks tweets, they'll turn their heads and roll their eyes at a group of Black girls laughing loudly. How do you best handle this? Give them a mirror and maybe a history textbook and continue with your day. 

5. Suburban and Respectability Blacks

I am grouping these two gworls together because as far as I'm concerned, I don't know where one's head starts and the other's ass ends. They are the 'biggest' activists in your school for doing the BARE MINIMUM. They do everything through school FOCUS programs and think that downtown districts is the rest of the city. They are just as afraid of themselves as they are the hood. They tell the hood Blacks that we should essentially mask who we are and try to sit at the table with White folk. When we reject, we are reverse-racist, even though they don't say it. Their willingness to get into White networks and stand with the White elite has NO limit. These will be the Blacks students always being shouted out by administration because they're playing 'good ole boy.' Their respectability and internalized hate will be disguised under their new afros, ankh  earrings and new taste in mainstream Hip-Hop (however, they will think because they listen to Noname and pre-Coloring Book Chance, that they're woke af). They also use you to gain their fashions and vernacular, but then reject everything else about you. This one's simple, fuck them and keep it moving.

6. Stunt Kweens

These bitches... These are the gworls that show up to every major protest and rally on campus and try to get all the pictures on the front page, even though they've done to work to put the engagement together, nor practice the wrongly-worded chants they screams. Btw, it's 'the people united will never be divided,' NOT 'defeated.' My advice for these gworls? KEEP THE BLOWHORNS AWAY FROM THEM. 

7. The Gays and Gworls

The Gays, whom I refer to as, 'The Gworls' are some of the best people you will ever meet. However, those will be the White Gworls. Oh, henny.. the Black Gworls are all over the place and provide no real solidarity or solace. They shade each other and have imaginary competitions with one another.  Most of them are super transphobic. They understand and spew rhetoric around why homophobia is wrong, but then can't use the same logic for trans persons. They're confused about their gender-identity, so they'll get mad when you (playfully) call them 'sis' or 'girl.' They make endless posts about how they are still men even though they're gay, but will share endless kiki's and gossips with girls and be caught on camera twerking. Are you seeing where I'm catching the disconnect at? Most will find their sexuality in about Sophomore or Junior year and they'll come back like they're experts on sexuality. Some of them will even go on to try and out closeted men with their new found policing sexuality radars.  Let me also say that the fem identified queer folk are way less messy than the masc identified. Just stay away from them altogether. They'll have you catch a case, henny.

8. White Students and Entitled-ness

Whether you are holding a door or moving out of the way during a commute, they expect it, but please don't expect a thank you. It is not going to happen. So what do you do about this? Walk right into them and don't hold doors. Do exactly the opposite and make them aware of your existence. Remind them, the hood ain't never too far when you are a product of it. Okaaaay?!

9. White Saviors

It won't matter if it's a student or if it's a professor, there will be a few Caucasians who take their White guilt very seriously. They channel that guilt into useless favors to Black people and other people of color. It's really bullshit. And then when you get into a disagreement with them, the first thing they remind you of is what they have done for you... even though you never asked. Ignore that shit and if you gotta coon it up for 2 seconds, do it. Use that guilt to your advantage. Get recommendations, awards, scholarship and anything fucking thing else you can, sis! Turn that guilt into your gain! 

10. White Feminism

These girls are probably the most annoying girls you've met in your life. They wear "nasty woman" shirts and wear their pussy hats in pride, while weaponizing their White womanhood against everyone, including their male counterparts. These hoes are vindictive as fuck, with a capital 'V.' These girls will cry on cue to escape whatever consequences they have coming their way and will smile when they walk out of it. Black men will be lost in their seductiveness and ultimately shun and shame Black girls because of a White girls knack and skill of manipulation. Do not trust these bitches. Avoid them at ALL costs.

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To close and ss a reminder, this is a humorous interpretation of some of the most annoying and deceiving collegiate personalities that I came across in my last four years at my Predominantly White Institution. Views and opinions do not stand true for ALL people, but for a good majority it does. 

I welcome you to share your opinions and interactions with those whom you found of least value for your experience. Sound off in the comment section!